There were no backward tuxedo jackets, no Cher, no thigh-cut gowns…
If Liza Minelli hadn’t turned up I would have been asleep before Pharrell Williams made Meryl Streep dance.
Here’s the good, the bad and the blah from the 86th Academy Awards.
Who Sent The Nude Memo?
Beige, blush and white ruled the red carpet with half of Hollywood turning up in versions of the neutral hue.
There’s nothing wrong with a nude dress. It’s perfectly lovely. In the same way a warm cup of tea and a biscuit is at 4 o’clock in the afternoon.
And that’s all I could think of as I watched actress after actress mistake the Oscars for their wedding – Monte Carlo’s and English Breakfast.
Kelly Osbourne’s perpetually purple hair and vintage cape saved her Badgley Mischka gown, Jessica Biel looked pretty in Chanel with Tiffany & Co diamonds and the bodice detail on Laura Dern’s Alberta Ferretti made her dress less bridal.
Even though she walked down the carpet holding hands with her Dad (Bruce Dern).
Then there was Calista Flockhart (in Andrew Gn) and Naomi Watts (inCalvin Klein).
A stylists head exploded when these two stepped out of the limo in a cheongsam-esque double-up.
White, beaded, cap sleeve, print clutch…ouch and ouchier.
Cate Blanchett won the Oscar (her second – what a legend!) and gets the award for Best Dressed in Beige for her pretty Armani Prive dress.
Golden girl, golden gown, golden moment…she rose to the occasion like a vanilla soufflé.
She sashayed, she dazzled, she danced, she won.
And all in pastel blue Prada.
The Glimmer Brigade.
It’s not a really a red carpet without bugle beads and sequins.
Anne Hathaway riffed on her Burberry gown from last years BAFTA’s in black studded Gucci; Jennifer Garner did tiered sparkles courtesy of Oscar De La Renta, Heidi Klum made up for her sins of red carpets past in black sparkly Versace while Emma Watson looked appropriately cool in Vera Wang.
Tickedy, tick, tick.
This is what memorable looks like.
Sexy, modern, take no prisoners – Christian Dior couture.
CT gets the Beyonce award for Sasha Fierceness.
She Did It Again.
Not only did Jennifer Lawrence press repeat on her infamous 2013 stair fall but the actress gave her jewellery look a re-run too.
I loved it then and love it even harder now.
J. Law made her million dollar diamonds look fresh by wearing the necklace swinging down her back.
Copy it immeadiately.
The urchin cut, smudgy eye and slick, red Dior deserve full marks (and a copy) too.
Kate Hudson had a defining Oscar moment in this Veronica Lake inspired Versace gown.
The fit, the neckline, the back scoop, the side swept hair.
Every angle on this gown was perfection.
Me thinks Penny Lane is getting better and better with age.
Supermodels have a responsibility to bring it.
This is not an example of bringing it Chrissy Tegan.
We’re supposed to love your curves and all your edges…so you’re going to have to lift.
Liza With A…Z.
Liza can dye her fringe electric blue and wear satin pyjamas with jazz shoes because she is Liza Minelli.
And her life actually is a cabaret.
Better From Behind.
There is a fashion rule that states a dress should look good when it exits a room.
This rule is based on said dress looking good when it enters a room.
For the love of the blonde hair you dyed black – what happened here Margot Robbie?
I was expecting Monroe and instead I got Robert Smith. Or Megan Fox.
The black Saint Laurent gown is an absolute winner from the back but does less than zero from the front.
It looks like she’s wearing an ironing board cover.
Same thing happened to poor old Anna Kendrick.
Her J. Mendel gown is just so bad from the front – I’m going that far – but when she turned around there was all this young, pretty magic happening in the back.
Veterans Do It Better.
Angelina Jolie (Elie Saab) and Julia Roberts (Givenchy) know how to follow a dress code.
They are to the Oscars what Batman is to Gotham City – a saviour.
Their rules: bring the glamour, keep it chic and shine bright like a diamond.
Everyone’s Pregnant Y’All.
It was all about the Yummy Mummy with Olivia Wilde, Kerry Washington and Elsa Pataky walking the carpet seven months (or more) pregnant.
Glorious to look at, the woman were wonderful proof that ball gowns and baby bellies go together like peanut butter and chocolate.
And The There Was…
Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel defying every fashion rule on the planet.
Johnny Weir in costume as Johnny Weir.
And look! It’s Persephone Cruz.